I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
