I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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