I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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