I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
