I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
