just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
