i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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