Having a random hookup so left but love u
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
