He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
