The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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