He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
