ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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