I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
