shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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