id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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