idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
