I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
