I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
