I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
