capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
did i just pee glitter
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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