Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
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I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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