I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
