There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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