Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
