somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
