I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
