So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
