If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
