i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
