What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
