There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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