you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
