I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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