Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
