My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
