my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
