I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
