Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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