apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
