i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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