Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
