every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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