your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My pussy is not your playground.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
