Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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