Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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