I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
