i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
