i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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