sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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