I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
