so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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