Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
