I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
