the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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