Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
