dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
