A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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